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Are You Sick of Fighting?
Are You Sick of Fighting?
Are you sick of fusses, feuds, and fights? Are you tired of angry outbursts, wrath, clamoring, and vengeance? Have you said again and again and again that you are not going to blow up at your spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers, employer, employees, and yet you did it again? Can you simply not put your finger on why this keeps happening? Would you like to know what the cause of this is? If I could point you to one passage that would show the root cause of every fight and argument you ever have, would you want to know it? If I could show you one passage that can give you the secret to cut back on all that fussing, feuding, and fighting, would you want to read it?
Here it is—James 4:1-3.
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions (ESV).
What causes every angry outburst you’ve ever had? Unmet desires. There is something you wanted, but you didn’t get. Sometimes the desire in and of itself is wrong (immoral lust, vengeance, covetousness, etc.). But sometimes the desire may be lawful and good; you just didn’t get it fulfilled. It is perfectly legitimate to want respect or love from your spouse, diligent work from your employees, obedience from your children, fairness from your employer, consideration and respect from your brethren. But sometimes we don’t get it.
The real problem comes when we lose sight of these things as legitimate desires and start to believe they are mandated rights. Even God doesn’t get everything He wants (cf. Matthew 23:37). When we lose sight that these kinds of things are wishes, wants, and desires and begin to view them as rights, entitlements, or our due, not receiving them makes us mad. Then we start trying to force it. We cajole, control, manipulate, blow up, punish, force.
Consider for a moment the last fight you had with anyone. Consider the last time you yelled, screamed, hit, resented, cold shouldered, clammed up, shut down, stalked off in anger, or whatever is your common expression in these moments. Why did it happen? Think for a moment about what you wanted but didn’t get. Now you see the heart of your angry reaction, your fight, your quarrel.
So what do we do about it? As James explains why we don’t get what we want, we see two directions to help us react to unmet desires in more healthy ways.
First, ask. That’s it. It’s plain and simple. Ask. “But I did ask,” you say. Are you sure? Did you really ask? Did you ask plainly and honestly? Or was your request really masked in an accusation. When what you really meant was, “Honey, could we eat at Red Lobster tonight?” did you actually say, “You’re so selfish. We always eat where you want”? Was your request masked in whining? When what you really meant was, “Sweetheart, can we please be there 5 minutes early? I feel rushed and stressed when we walk in at the last minute or even late,” did you actually say, “Oh man, late again?! That stinks”? Sometimes we think we’ve asked when actually we’ve only attacked, accused, and whined. Then we defend ourselves by saying, “Well, they should know how I feel.” But you should ask. “Ask?” we say, “But if I have to ask then they are not doing it because the love me (appreciate me, care about me) but just because I asked.” Really? So, when people honor a straightforward request, they aren’t loving, appreciating, or caring about you? Of course they are. The problem is when you are expecting them to read your mind, you aren’t loving, appreciating, or caring about them. So the first key to dealing with unmet desires is to simply ask in straightforward, plain, and completely honest ways.
Second, check the motivation for your desire. James says that sometimes we ask but don’t receive because we are asking selfishly. Sometimes even desires for right things may be based on improper motives. This can happen a lot when raising children. You ask and ask them to obey, but they decide not to. So you blow up with what you believe is justified wrath. After all, the Bible clearly says they are supposed to obey you (cf. Ephesians 6:1). Of course, afterward, you feel small and humiliated that you lost control. The desire for your children to respect and obey you is legitimate. You’ve asked them, but they didn’t comply. How can you help but have an ungodly outburst? Check your real motivation. Why are you asking for obedience, compliance, and respect? Is it because when children obey they are glorifying God and improving their relationship with Him? Is it because you want them to receive the blessings that come from a God-honoring life of submission to their parents? Or is it because you want the convenience that comes from not having to deal with immaturity in your children? Is it because you want the reputation that comes from having “good” kids? Is it because you want everyone else around you to think what an awesome parent you are? Is it because you don’t want to feel the shame and guilt of having possibly messed up in how you’ve raised your kids?
Can you imagine how all of these different motivators might change the way you respond when you didn’t get what you wanted? When your motivation is anchored in God’s glory and the desire for blessing on others, your reaction when they don’t fulfill your desires will be totally different than when your motivation is just about your own passions, pleasures, and personal pursuits. The latter will produce resentment, bitterness, outbursts, wrath, fights, and quarrels. The former will produce sadness, concern, caring, weeping, support, help, service.
So, the next time you are tempted to explode, back up and check your desires. If your desire is legitimate, consider how you’ve tried to get it. Did you ask or did you manipulate? If you asked and didn’t receive, then consider your motivation. Was it God-based or self-based? When you take these steps and make corrections where you find your passions falling short of delighting in the Lord, you’ll see an amazing drop in the number of fights and outbursts you experience.
—Edwin L. Crozier
- April 7, 2013--Are You Sick of Fighting.pdf (325.74 kB)
